Letter to My Dead Mother

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Dear Mom,

You have only been gone from this earth for seven months now. But then again, you were never really there in the first place. That’s the only reason why I am coping so well… it’s the same. But different.

I still never hear from you, nor do you cross my mind. Except when I see other mothers caring for their daughters. The only difference is, now I will never be able to hear from you.

I know you loved my brother and me. He is still too young to realize that, but I did.

 

I remember when you took us to Sea World when we were kids. That was probably the only exciting thing we ever did together. We all looked so happy in that photo I still have from that day. You were smiling so big, like you were proud to be our mother.

I get it, you had me at the age of 16 and you weren’t ready for the responsibilities that entailed.

Then you had brother at 19… as if that were going to make that suffocating feeling of being trapped go away.

So you left when I turned 6. I still remember it as if it were yesterday… I woke up in the middle of the night because I could just sense that something was wrong.

You sat on that ugly green couch in the living room, just crying your eyes out. Boxes surrounding you.. I already knew at the ripe age of 6 what was going on. So I took advantage of our last night together, and crawled into your lap. You were always so good at running your fingers through my hair. I slowly drifted off to sleep, and when I woke up.. you were gone. The boxes were gone.. any sign that you had ever been there.. gone. The only thing that remained was your scent.

Brother was still too young to realize what was happening.

Lucky him.

For every birthday after that, I blew my candles out wishing you would come back to us one day. What a waste of breath. I finally just started wishing the woman dad married after you would just disappear.

She wanted to be like you so desperately. Regardless of how unloved and abandoned I felt by you, the only one who could have the title of “mom” was always you.

You were full of broken promises and false hope. Dad tried warning me, but I wouldn’t listen. I wanted to see the best in you so badly that I didn’t comprehend the red flags right in front of my face.

Our last visit was four years ago… and Jesus Christ, if I knew you were going to be gone so soon I would have done things differently.

I was just so angry at you. The drugs mattered more than my life. The drugs mattered more than mending our already strained relationship. The drugs…. Why couldn’t you stop?? I was standing right in front of you… screaming at you. Hoping something would hit you in that messed up head of yours. Hoping you would see ME. But no matter how loud and straight forward I was with you, you wouldn’t stop lying to yourself.

You were on drugs, and you were wasting your life away on this stupid f*cking guy that brought you into this situation. You chose this life over being there for your children. You were so far gone the last time I spoke to you… you actually convinced yourself that you were there for me and raised me my whole life. Except… you didn’t. You weren’t there for 98 percent of my life.

Then your boyfriend decided to call me a selfish b*tch and throw something at me. So I was gone after that. I ran out of the house and left most of my crap there. I had never thought I could feel so abandoned and worthless in my life up until this moment.

Little did I know that would be the last time I saw your face until your wake….

I was so mad at you mom. I didn’t know anyone at the funeral except grandma and grandpa. I had to grit my teeth before I had a melt down in front of all these strangers.

I had so many things left that I never got the chance to say… and now I was staring down at you in this damn coffin. You didn’t even look like yourself… you weren’t smiling like you always did… you looked so sad mom.

I still love you after everything you have done to me.. to brother.. to our family.

I still have so many questions that will forever remain unanswered.

Why did you do it? Why did you choose heroine over me? Why didn’t you try harder to call me after our fight? Why is it that it’s been four years since you saw me and now there is nothing left of you but ash.

Why was I not good enough for you?…

Why did you have to leave me so soon….

The only thing I can really thank you for is forcing me to be strong. You forced me to grow up a lot quicker than most. I became the mother figure for my siblings, the anchor for my father.

What I take from all of this is what not to do.

I will be such a great mother to the children you will never get to meet.

I will love them endlessly, and they will always know I am right there if they need me.

I will forever remain a force to be reckoned with… I will have the back bone that you never managed to obtain.

So thank you for making me a better person.. for showing me what not to become.

All I can really do now is hope that you still thought about me until your very last breath. That there was something I could not see that kept you from being apart of my life. That this was all a mistake, and you never meant any of it.

You will forever be in my heart mom..

Sincerely, your very much alive daughter.

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